I. ONCE/ALL — CAPUT DRACONIS

i was born to an eternal sphere—form infinite
light enduring—relations inherent
the ultimate pleasure is one of potential
in a single moment—the specter lives
at intimacies unknown—i felt unity
for once and for all
there was no change except
wet dry dark light
and then i had to live the rest of my life


II. MELON — AMISSIO

entered the kitchen through a void
a dusty and reclining california sunlight
my infrequent and innocent hands
my knees, my toes
considered the gridded valleys
of the linoleum countertop
and i was alone
with the austere defiance of a hollow townhouse

white walls, dense carpet
lola’s birds whispering from outside
vhs still sputtering on the tv, no sound
a land before time
the smell of fried milkfish, no dishes
in the sink above which my feet perched
the echo of footsteps coming down
the stairs (or maybe up) and they never stop
someone is coming but they will never see me

in this guise of anonymity, i saw
a melon from the dream
i would only have (once) many years later
and i wondered where my brother was
because i was reminded of a photo of him
(also many years later)
standing on the door of an open dishwasher
what i didn’t know
is that i would quickly learn shame
my first memory was a mistake
a suspension
an impulse

before i knew it my hands, soft and alien
pressed against the melon’s rind
how effortlessly it met the ground
fissured and bleeding
revealing its juices and fear
i heard a shriek
then, i heard nothing
but the footsteps never stopped


III. DECEMBER — ALBUS

i watched lola die on white sheets smiling
her mangled teeth and jaw
from when her face, already bruised
and shining against august sunlight, tasted
the disinterested edge of our kitchen table

what did she imagine while only
days before she sang for the last time
a melody i had only recalled
through static on an old cassette
a stale waft of crysanthemum
split the room

ang buhay ko’y unti-unti nang pumapanaw

was she sustained by floral patterns
(her dresses were neatly packed underneath)
the same ones she saw
in the obliging jungle
of sapang bato where she serenaded
lolo’s solemn face for the first time

perhaps she failed to shift her gaze
towards the window in hopes of seeing
the insatiate palms of pismo beach
swaying proudly above layers of tar
we feared to become

hindi ka lilimutin magpakailan pa man


IV. KUROHIME — VIA

twenty green ponchos approached the summit
intrepid children wrapping their arms
around rocks and branches
empty bentos in tow
the downpour was astounding
for the middle of july (i thought)

rebuff of gray at the end of a rewardless hike
first of many places i didn’t expect to be
(fine print on the strange
recruitment website)
the other camp leader called for a quick rest
upon the many accommodating boulders
exhausted, i considered how difficult
it was displacing myself
if i had tumbled down
the murmuring volcanic slope
how long until my family would know

i imagined myself sublimated
into the radiant mist fleeing
towards the pacific, carefully
retracing my path—overtaking
shinano
nagano
takasaki
saitama, and finally
tokyo (where three years later
i would enjoy myself lost
and tethered to a love
in another continent and time)
the first transformation (revelation)
i was desired and up to task
how freeing it felt to be
a container without context
in a distanced land i could never call my own


V. DENIM — CONIUNCTIO

you came with a half-eaten toothpick
in your mouth—after we hadn’t spoken all summer
rolling over each other
in wild grasses
not so far from my house

later you would call this our rekindling
i loved the pillowy give
of your thigh
even through persistent denim
the most comforting thing i had ever known
the last time i behaved well with you


VI. DRAMAMINE — CARCER

my dreams became a series of tasks
everyone in their starchy blue polos
said i should feel guilty for craving escape
at best i was trapped
at worst i was dead

later at dinner guests sat impatiently
at overcrowded tables and it was a miracle
that dishes never smashed against the windows
reflected with saltwater and bourgeois peril

i poured pinot grigio
for a wrinkled man in polka dots
and he without shame rested his hand on my ass
while he thanked me as he would a friend
at best i was enticing
at worst i was desirous

under jagged stars i called you choked up
shivering on the upper deck staring into
extinguished harbor towns as you scolded me
you never wanted me to go in the first place

every midnight
i say a prayer for those still asail


VII. HER RECIPES — PUELLA

excessive vegetarian servings
laid out in mismatched bowls
ginataang sitaw
lumpia
pancit
halo-halo

i sent mom a dutiful photo of her recipes
fulfilled (meanwhile many waited
hungrily in the living room)
she received my eager message in tears
with a ouija board under her bed
maybe lola saw it too

in your black room—in the glow of the tv
you weren’t watching
you were at a putrid crossroads
whether to continue in darkness
or emerge in failure
my brother and i consoled
you in the hotel room years later
that we were glad our faces
reflected in yours


VIII. BEAUTIFUL PLACES I REGRET CRYING IN — TRISTITIA

******* ***
(latched bathroom, impossible breeze outside)

*******
(forgotten plaza, you kissed my salty undereye)

***** ****** *****
(promising sand, fastest drive from south central)

*** **** ******
(ivied concrete, we would soon see a hypnotist)

********* ******* ***
(bejeweled mirror, the bell tower rang suddenly)

***** ******* ************
(watchful cloud, i followed you home)

with you—without you


IX. NEW ORDER — RUBEUS

we woke up in the top bunk
of a crowded room—immediately
you stormed out the backyard past
the thorny bougainvillea
you knew what you wanted to know
my face was treachery as
i followed you onto grim cement
fleeing figueroa
weeds poking up against my reckless feet
once again, i wanted to relent
for once and for all
after tears (you said crocodile)
then silence
i followed you into your car if only
i knew what you wanted to know

a year later, my carpal bones ached
i felt like a man and pitied myself
tamed and cowardly and violent
how dare you behave like that in my home
(blunt reminder)
all because i danced through a portal
and for a moment
understood a life of courage
i should have made a different mistake


X. MYRTLE AVENUE — FORTUNA MAIOR

unbelievably you gushed
in a language i couldn’t speak
but i was grateful to understand
in my blissful fugue
our lives intertwined with the others
as quick as fate

when i puked on our friend
behind a photo booth curtain
they were dazed but not disgusted
finally undisguised
from my eternal twinned flames
(dimmer now, enduring)

later you would press your fingertips
against mine and it made me
misspeak—i kissed a great love
and you offered an apology, a blessing
that we were we are
that i was i will be


XI. DECADENCE — FORTUNA MINOR

you forgave me with many questions
hair dyed yellow as a lizard’s scale
glimmers in your clip-on jewelry
love was endless again

without blinking i reunited
with the palms of union station
and a shimmering karaoke room
waiting for that final moment
you say the words that i can’t say

i became the iconoclast of our story
images of alignment now hazy
and forever decadent
the frailest golden hour


XII. BEARD — PUER

the smell of cigars but never smoke
in grandpa’s apartment where he disclosed
my brother and i would not ascend
as he would—our tainted spirits
and mongoloid blood more apt to serve
the most slighted
and most vengeful

dad told me he was misguided, paranoid
(mail never adressed to him)
i considered all of his detours
from richmond to san jose
he followed an itinerant prophecy
and nana flew proudly

a chorus of anonymous african masks
urged me to sing
in praise of their canny certainty
i couldn’t make sense of their expressions
mouths agape on bodiless deities
watching endless pungent quarrels

i fear if i have children
they will look down at me from heaven


XIII. STRANGE MIST — ACQUISITIO

we sat by a playground in chinatown
puddles from water jets disappearing
from tarmac and ill-fitting tile
you looked singular—signature
red frames with prosperous coils

i realized we laugh the same way
so i confided in you
that i was changing too quickly
(i was a strange mist)
but i lied to you about my hope

tentative droplets reclined
aimlessly onto leaves, cigarettes, old friends
welcome premonition of clearance to come
under sun, everything melts, dries, burns
but i increased in spite of myself


XIV. HAY BALE — POPULUS

texas autumn embraced
the driveway from simonton road
to the wedding reception, a religious affair

i saw no reflection in the bathroom mirror
imagining my face grotesque and vampiric
as the last group photos were taken outside

i vanished into the purpling sunset
a prom of cows loitered nearby as i stood
by swirled hay bales moaning in a lonely field

no longer did i want
ceremony or communion
when there was a more hospitable truth
in the cows and their nonchalance
able to sit at oblique
yet abiding angles to each other

i would rather be hooved
(cud dripping down my chin)
seated at my assigned table with curiosity
no expectation and languid astonishment
later you found me and wept—refusing
to graze cautiously in my mind


XV. CONTACT — LAETITIA

i slid my hand across
the underside of the table
a telescopic journey
through splinters and sanity

machete quips
sandy what-ifs
silence overflowed
graciously from our sown hope

and still, i waited
in the shadow of a fingernail
calloused fingertips like magnets
about to crease into lovelier shapes

in the noblest
twilight hours
just before you get startled
by my torn cuticle

i regret, i decide
to return the gaze
of the face that knew me
before we’d even met


XVI. EVERY END — CAUDA DRACONIS

death will come to me brave and kind
like the angel i saw on my bedroom ceiling
black, blue, airless
i will become all the things i never did

—april 2024